Saturday, July 29, 2006

Read all about it

This morning as I was leaving for work, picking up my wallet and watch from the dining room table, I happened across the newspaper. Lori usually reads it in the morning before the kids get up, and I often briefly glance across the front page where she leaves it. Today's headlines spoke of the continued escalation of warfare in Lebanon, replete with myriad photos of tanks and artillery installations, and bloodied men and women of all sizes and persuasions. It momentarily bummed me out -- something about seeing that first thing in the morning. Particularly staring down a long Friday on the heels of consecutive 19-hour days, the news seemed pretty depressing.

Then I looked across at Sydney's breakfast spot and saw her morning reading. From the cover of the latest Your Big Backyard, a photo of a grinning hippopotamus emerging from a lillypad-skinned river. The headline stated, "Hooray for Hippos!"

And I smiled. Not only reflecting on the contrast in breakfast reading subject matter, but on the gratitude I feel that my girls are still young and oblivious to a vast majority of the world's ills and evils.

I hope to keep it that way for as long as I can. Come hell or high hippo.

Thursday, July 27, 2006

More miscellany to BOGgle the mind

The Earth continues to marvel and mystify with its boggling preservation of the past:

Evidence: Medieval Psalmbook Dug Out of Irish Bog

* * *

There is a road sign on the street that leads to my office -- a temporary construction sign that has been there for a few weeks. I think it stands as the ultimate testament to the left-leaning, ACLU-loving ways of this state. It reads:

"Sunflower Avenue Manhole Rehabilitation"

When did we have to become sensitive to the feelings of road fixtures? I just picture some pale, fannybag-wearing, proto-legislut at a press conference professing "Well, we don't really like to call it repairing or fixing. We think of it more as showing the manholes the errors of their ways and helping them understand just how darn good it feels to be in working order."

"Hi, I'm manhole and I've been clean for 43 days."

"HI, MANHOLE!"


* * *

Sitting at that same intersection at lunch today, I was shocked at the realization of a passage in Paul McCartney's Live and Let Die. Specifically:

When you were young and your heart was an open book
You used to say live and let live
(you know you did, you know you did you know you did)
But in this ever changing world in which we live in
Makes you give in and cry


"...in which we live in"?! What's up with that? I'm glad you like prepositions, Paul. Just save a few for later, k?

This damn rock and roll...it's going to spoil the minds of our children if we don't stop it. If we let good syntax fail, what's next? Swearing in public? Pre-marital sex? Commies in the Heartland?!!

Monday, July 24, 2006

60 ways to level your hunter

She said it's really not my habit to intrude
Furthermore, I hope my meaning won't be lost or misconstrued
But I'll repeat myself at the risk of being crude
There must be sixty ways to level your hunter
Sixty ways to level your hunter

You just stab orcs in the back, Jack
Buy a new leather plan, Stan
Send in the pet, Chet
Try a little PvP
Hop on the gryph, Tiff
You don't need to discuss it
Just get the Scholo key, Lee
And get yourself free


Happy belated 60 to Mersault! (only a year and a half in the making...)

Tuesday, July 18, 2006

My "undocumented" business plan

A few years ago, I had a true inspiration. One that has stuck with me ever since and resurfaces every time I drive to L.A. (as I did this morning.)

This business idea may, at first, sound mildly bigoted and decidedly un-PC. Nonetheless, I think it may actually be entirely valid and would most certainly be a publicist's wet dream (or nightmare.)

Acknowledging that I'll never actually pursue this, I use this entry to fully release my rights to this idea. Whomever in the blogosphere wants to take on this endeavor, I hope you make a killing on it.

So here's the proposition:

Problem 1: Traffic in Southern California is in complete chaos. 90-some percent of traffic consists of single-driver vehicles, leaving the extensive network of carpool lanes significantly under utilized.

Problem 2: Illegal aliens crowd virtually every Home Depot or gardening center throughout the region, standing around for hours with little or no possibility of making a day's wage.

The solution: To open a network of terminals at every freeway onramp in Southern California where drivers can rent a Mexican (or other illegal flavor) to ride in their car, thus affording the driver the ability to drive in the carpool lane.

Benefit 1: Drivers get to enjoy the cost and time savings of riding in the less-crowded carpool lane.

Benefit 2: Said illegal aliens get yet ANOTHER free ride, but get paid for their trouble simply by riding in a car. More than likely, they can ride to some destination they may have had no other means of reaching.

Benefit 3: Home Depots and other retail facilities become free of the crowds of illegal day laborers who ward many customers off, increasing their revenues in the process.

How it gets done: Open up the old Fotomat-style kiosks just off targeted freeway onramps. A driver pulls up to the counter, states his or her destination, and the attendant matches the driver to a waiting illegal. Said illegal gets into the car, and away they go.

Compensation: The illegal makes a stipend based on the distance of the trip, as does the operator of the onramp stand. The driver pays by leg of the trip, or can get a discount if making a round-trip plan.

Future expansion: A computer network could be established that would let drivers reserve an illegal from the comfort of their own home, having him or her ready and waiting at a specific onramp at a pre-determined departure time.


Sure, I realize there are liability exposures and the human rights groups will probably find something wrong with the idea, but, come on, we're helping the environment by conserving gas and reducing exhaust emissions; we're helping further fund and support the burgeoning illegal immigrant population with good, honest work; and we're helping the overall economy by getting people to work faster. What's wrong with those noble intentions?

When I mention this to people, they all laugh and make quips that I'm going to be struck by lightning, and then I tell them that I'm only half joking about the idea. And, despite the glib tone of this blog, I actually AM only half joking. I could completely see this working. When you have cities like Laguna Beach using taxpayer dollars to build day laborer pickup areas, why wouldn't they embrace this entrepreneurial effort to legitimize the entire affair?

We could even put RFID tags on the illegals so their travels could be tracked at any given moment. The government would LOVE that. Just scan their foreheads at each dropoff and *beep* put them back in line for the next trip.

So why, after the few years of this idea germinating, have I chosen today to reveal my grand proposition to the world? Because today, I finally had the a-ha moment regarding the elusive name of the enterprise:

MobileMex™


I welcome any other names you may have. I realize this one potentially limits the nationalities, when we should also include Guatemalans, Hondurans, etc.

We could get regional and localize the name to the dominant illegal population of any area. How about Port-a-Rican™?

The business model could also work with homeless people. They're already at the onramps. How does Bum-A-Ride™ strike you? Holy crap, a franchise opportunity! GENIUS!

Feel free to reply with any VC money you'd like to offer toward this endeavor. It'll be like printing money, people!

Spiders and fries

Irvine is Spider Town. About three or four times a year, it turns into the Arachnid Riviera here. Every plant, flower, bush and tree is usually crisscrossed by myriad webs and spiderly detritus...all the trappings of eight-legged malfeasance.

Coincidentally, three to four times a year I get the extreme creeps. Heebie jeebie jubilee. In fact, about five years ago, Sydney was delighted to learn the word "heebie jeebie" from me as I convulsed at the site of megalithic spider webs strung between the tops of 30 foot tall evergreen trees. What kind of spiders string webs between the tops of evergreen trees?! Ones aiming to catch friggin' Mothra, apparently. **shudder**

So tonight, upon walking from my car to the house in the halflight afforded by the sidewalk lights, I realized that spider time...yeah, it's ON. Two to three of the freaky black and yellow striped mutants have taken up residence on either side of the sidewalk approaching the house. I came inside and picked up the trash Lori had set out for me to take to the dumpster. Going around the other side of the house to the bin, I had to duck out of the way of another web (and resident six-pack-thoraxed spider) dangling maliciously in the shadows beneath an overhanging tree.

So fully willy-fied, I proceeded down the driveway next to our garage, nervously eyeing the garage doors and ledges. As I turned to check my right, I literally gasped at what I thought was the biggest spider I had ever seen. My mind spasmodically painted the picture of a baseball-sized behemoth strung from the windshield of a Pontiac Sunfire to the ceiling of the carport above it. Cold sweat immediately pricked at my temples as I took a full step backward. Then the greenish fluorescent lights resolved and revealed the vicious threat to my physical and mental well-being: a Jack in the Box antenna head.

I had to laugh (and share.)

Oh what a tangled web we weave when first we eat a Jumbo Jack with cheese.


PS. This is my 101st blog entry. Whoopee!

Saturday, July 15, 2006

Bog blog

Over the Memorial Day weekend, we all went to the L.A. Museum of Natural History. The ladies had all been previously, but this was my first excursion there. Located on (or immediately next to) the USC campus, the Museum itself is a fairly impressive facility. Its facade demonstrates the appropriate amount of age to seem authentic and its expansive grounds house a huge diversity of really impressive exhibits. I was very pleased with the entire affair.

The various wings of the museum were immense, and housed animals of North America and Africa, Native American cultures, gems and minerals (Syd's favorite room), dinosaurs and ancient mammals of various epochs...just about everything you'd hope to see and in ample supply.

One exhibit that stuck with me was a traveling feature called The Mysterious Bog People. I had heard of the topic after seeing a History Channel program a year or so ago. The basic storyline is this:

Many parts of Northern Europe, including present-day Germany, Belgium and the Netherlands, have huge sections of lands covered in bogs. They have been there for thousands of years. In the early 20th Century, the Industrial Age and the starving will of the local inhabitants inspired the draining of these bogs. Doing so uncovered a huge supply of peat moss, which had demonstrated increasing value as fuel. People began farming the bogs, draining it of water and cutting the muddy underlayers into peat bricks.

In the years of ensuing dissection of the land, local peat farmers began finding relics of the past. Sometimes it would be ancient tools -- axes and such. Sometimes it would be jewelry or coins -- some dating to Roman times. On more dramatic occasions, the bogs presented corpses. But more than just your average skeleton, these bodies were effectively mummified in the exotic elixir the bogs had concocted. Most strikingly, most of the bodies were left with clothes and hair in tact.

There is a lot of research about the bodies and other relics of what has been found. If you're interested, check this out. I won't go into all that. What really struck me -- and what was so well done about the exhibit -- was the chronology of myth and legend that paralleled the actual timelines of the bodies given to the bog.

It turns out, the Roman intervention in the area afforded historians glimpses of the Pagan-esque rituals practiced by the local peoples. The reigning theory is that people sacrificed individuals -- many times children -- to the bogs as some sort of wish for immortality. Or transport to a timeless sanctuary. Or divine providence. As with the Egyptians, it seems, ancient peoples felt the inherent need to offer something to the Earth. Many times, that something was the ultimate gift...a life.

The exhibit did a good job of segmenting and chronicling the evolution of the peoples around the bogs -- from prehistory to Roman times and into medieval periods. I'm sure we've all felt it when dwelling on these topics, but that hazy-strange mixture of wonder, awe and deja-vu pervaded the entire afternoon. Like fixating upon the stars and the boundless abyss of space, dwelling upon the unexplained niches of history can make one dizzy with speculation.

I'm sure most people at any stage of history are largely consumed by the banality of daily life. But why does it seem that people in those ancient times led unwittingly mystical existences? Or are we simply inclined to force that perception upon them because of our need for drama and causality?

There's just such an alien sense of those periods of time, when ignorance and superstition regimented daily life. Even more, I've always been fascinated by the thought of small groups of influencers shaping history. Mystics and priests and politicians and warlords and shamans who exert blatant and/or covert authority over broad sections of humanity en route to changing human history. For personal gain or other purposes, someone (or someones) at some times, sensed their own ability to sway opinion and move the masses.

Back then, it would seem easier to mold minds by enshrouding subversive intent in myth and legend. It was the lingua franca of the times, when stars were animals and day and night themselves were personified as sentient creatures.

The thought of going to sleep beneath pitch black skies, in cold clean air, where the failing light of a campfire or torch and the stars above defined your limited perimeter of safety, fascinates me. No wonder people felt compelled to create fables to try and explain away the fear that lurked just beyond the firelight in the line of trees over there. The night was the womb of fiction.

Perhaps, when mixed with coincidence, that fiction took on mystical portent. If a body fell into a bog and a drought ended, did the local people instinctively see that as a sign? Or did a cunning elder weave a story around the incident, seizing the moment of serendipity for his own veiled agenda -- turning what was merely an unfortunate accident into a tool of subterfuge? And did those legends cultivate within families, being handed down from father to son for generations, giving families the control of villages, towns and, eventually, countries? Religions?

There is a point where that question crosses a line. A regrettable junction when simplicity and a faith in nature mutates into deceit and abuse of human weakness. When did we become herds to be conned and culled by shadowed shepherds? Was it simply a function of population? Was there a point when the truth couldn't spread fast and far enough to educate a growing sea of humanity? And when the educated batch traveled abroad, doubling back onto its itself and returning to its birthplace to find a hovel of simpletons, did they sit down at tables with a want to exploit rather than educate?

As a result, have we become conditioned toward conspiracy paranoia because of millennia of abuse at the hands of unseen illuminati? Do those same illuminati plant the seeds of stigma against that paranoia as a means of self preservation? When the truth is plainly presented, could we really deal with it? Are the DaVinci Codes and Roswells too much for us to bear? Are the Jews and Muslims unable to live with the realities of their misted histories? Perhaps their ever-intensifying conflict is not a war with each other as much as a struggle against the mounting possibility of dispelling those myths that have for so long defined them.

Truth can change everything.


Who am I anyway? Certainly no one to offer anything but further speculation and misinformation. Tell me a plausible explanation yourself and I'm as apt to believe it as the caveman or cobbler that breathed the same air I do now thousands of years ago. We're all flawed, suspicious, believing, passive, terrified, angry, stupid people with a handful of exceptional offspring who discover the spectacular.

After leaving the bog people exhibit, there was a small alcove with a fountain. Passersby were encouraged to throw a coin into the water and acknowledge that the same practice that kids around the world today practice had its roots in ancient offerings to Mother Earth. Wishes to a well; coins to a bog.

My wish was to make this blog somehow more connected and conclusive. Back to the bog for me, I'm afraid.

Tuesday, July 04, 2006

Cleaning out the kitty litter

Here's another entry to push that last, profane blog further down the list and into the archives. Looking back, those lyrics were far too intense for the readership of this blog...I apologize. Yes, I could erase the entry, but it's still worth chronicling in my opinion. Just sorry if you were offended.

Happy 4th of July!